Early hours again and I’ve been doing what I said I wouldn’t: googling. Consequently my Green Day has somewhat faded and its edges seem to be curling and shrivelling.
I know that secondary brain mets can’t be cured. What I have to figure out is how much energy and faith I can muster to give this illness a good run for its money. To get my pension pot back I need to be drawing it for 20 years and as yet I haven’t. Perhaps that will motivate me to fight!
The primary cancer source has been located in the breast and this disease area has had some of the most resources and investigations thrown at it. So that gives me confidence of a sort. It’s the secondary source that’s worrying me. Pity they couldn’t be pulled out with tweezers like the hairs in my bristling chin.
Today the Breast team will give me their findings and there could also be news from the Brain team with their options/choices. Some hard decisions coming and I need to know what’s best for me and my family. The song “who wants to live forever” keeps spinning round in my head. We’re all mortal but find acceptance of this fact difficult.
I have to root myself in the moment. I must be grateful for a good healthy life until now, full of love and family. I must not become morbid and self pitying. My future days must be joyous and purposeful.
Show me my God how to do this. Help me to listen wisely to experts, to make good decisions, to have no regrets or resentment, even if I might not get all my pension pot back from the government!
Pauline
x
Momma B's blog of hope 
You’re an individual Mum. The nurses have told us not to Google but I know it’s impossible not to. As I said last night, I’m so proud to call you my Mum. Keep going. This is the start of the journey and we’re all with you x
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Morning Pauline, every blog I read I become more and more amazed by you , you are a amazing lady ❤️stay away from google , a man once put all his symptoms in google and the result was ….. he was pregnant 🤰 I’ll be thinking of you today As I do every day , much love 💕 donna xxxx
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Stay strong Pauline we’re all rooting and praying for you.xx
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You are a fighter and I know you will give it your all. I have friends who are absolutely here years after diagnosis, and so you will be. You will be supported by all the prayers of your friends and family. Much love, Helen xx
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Wishing you well on your journey to conquer the path that lies ahead. We are all rooting and praying for you. Im sure your God will lead the way. Much love Mrs B xxx
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P what a wordsmith. I have read your blogs and was unsure how to respond apart from saying you are so strong and have an unfailing faith. After reading your blog about your pension I laughter amazed you find humour at this stage or is it just the Yorkshire lass coming to the fore! X
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