A blissful, unbroken five hours sleep during the night. Many a parent would be cheering at that announcement this morning, as am I! There are many forms of “sleep thief” including anxiety, which I’m currently dealing with and sometimes not dealing with well.
I know that I’m too focused on myself and my illness at the moment and the diagnosis seems bleak. But I haven’t even spoken to an oncologist yet.
And there in lies the problem. I need the clear facts. I don’t WANT them, but I do need them – some of them anyway – perhaps a few at a time. I’ve always had a good imagination, but it’s currently in overdrive.
I’ve just read an excellent book called, Cancer: A Pilgrim Companion by Gillian Straine, bought for me by my sister.
In the chapter Diagnosis it says: “Cancer forces us into a disorientating wilderness where the pressure is real and terrifying, because it is a word and a diagnosis with a powerful message: you are not in control. Uncertainty hangs in the air: it is not as if you don’t know you are going to die, it is just that the threat of cancer slaps you in the face with it.”
Like Gillian Straine and many others before me, I can’t relate these events to me.
“Take this cup away from me for I don’ t want to to taste this poison” – another Gethsemane moment in my life. I’m sure there will be another!
Support me through the day, O Christ, and all those with even greater burdens.
Hopefully, news of a clinician’s appointment today.
Pauline
x
Momma B's blog of hope 
Hi Pauline
Your blogs have become part of my daily routine now. I’m up at 0630, make the drinks for Seb & Will and have a large mug of tea on standby for when I’m about to leave the house – that’s for Paula. These short moments of pseudo solitude can be quite therapeutic, allowing thoughts to wonder, often where you don’t want to go, but you go there anyway. That’s natural; it’s peaceful; it’s lonely at times, but when the dog is disturbed by someone else joining me downstairs, I’m reminded that I’m not alone. I’m very lucky and blessed to have what I have in my life.
You write in your ‘personal time’ and I see how you recognise your challenge but also your blessings. You are matter of fact and like a true mother, are looking out for your children – all of them. I recognise your positivity and approach as I see it daily and have done for 5 years on 22nd March this year. We’ve heard lots of words of comfort over that time as people try their best to say the right thing, but the ones which stand out for us are cliches such as “you have to play with the hand you’re dealt”, “you weren’t given an option” – we just get on with it. We have good days and bad days. Good weeks and bad weeks. I keep saying “we” and you are also able to say “we” and indeed must, as you will not endure this journey alone. Cherish and fill those good days as best you can. Accept the bad days and allow yourself time to rest, recharge, and have others wait on you. Like me, Max is the husband, the partner, the one who tries to be the rock, the one who tries to maintain normality. He will feel brittle, vulnerable, useless and fragile at times. He’ll also be immensely proud of his wife, his rock, his everything.
Keep writing, absorb all the love that surrounds you and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
LikeLike
Great words of wisdom, encouragement and hope Stephen. You will never endure this alone Pauline ( big girl 😘) just because of this don’t think your getting away with me taking the Mick and having a bit banter 😜 love Ross ( big boy )x
LikeLike
Good morning. Hopefully you will know soon and then be able to make plans for the future. Remember what I said yesterday, every cancer is different, so don’t look at those worst case scenarios and presume it is you! You have such a force behind you, willing the best outcome with our prayers. Much love, xx
LikeLike
You’re putting me out of a job with your words Mum. I normally spend most of my time tidying up people’s language, sentences and grammar. Not with you. Although I’ve cut out your abundance of exclamation marks!!!!! Enjoy today. Hope you can get some fresh air. The sun is out which gives everyone a lift. Rachel x
LikeLike
When will you get the facts, do you know? You’re proving an inspiration to me and i’ve Already contacted our church etc. Hoping to meet someone next week. Want to see you so expect a trip soon as my strength improves xx
LikeLike