I feel I need a good cry today. And I am angry with the situation. I haven’t felt this well for ages. My mind at the moment is clear and uncluttered. My thinking about things other than brain mets is functioning well.
I am looking at the tete a tete daffs I planted in the autumn which are now blooming and asking will I see them next year. I don’t want to do this. Living in the moment, though we know it is the positive thing to do, can be the hardest.
“Fair daffodils we weep to see thee haste away so soon.
As yet the early rising sun hath not attained its moon.”
I remember reading this poem about death and daffodils for the first time at college when studying 16th century poets. 19, strong and healthy it made an impression, but one I was able to put in a brain box for some time, but still a quote that has spoken to me many times over the years.
I now have my appointment with an oncologist – tomorrow teatime. How much do I want to know? As much or as little as I can cope with? How much am I physically willing to put up with in the hope of an extension? I would be foolish not to work with modern medicine and yet I must harness my spirit, my soul and unite it with that of God and my loved ones gone before me.
This balance of acceptance and living is a two-edged sword. I must listen to John Denver singing “Spirit” today. We played it at Nicky’s funeral when it gave me great comfort and of course I have listened to it countless times since. Listening to it makes me cry. Wow! What a bundle of laughs am I.
We’re off to a garden centre today. Max has cleared a front border over winter so that we could make our Golden Garden in celebration of our Golden wedding last October.
Hopefully, choosing new plants to add to the ones bought for our celebration will be a positive thing, but it will not be a memorial garden at this stage Pauline!
It will be a shining garden of hope, positivity, purposefulness and love that our 50 year marriage has given us. I love my Max! I love my children and grandchildren. I love my large family and my many friends. And now, forgive me, I shall scream!
Pauline
x
Momma B's blog of hope 
I too am crying because I’m angry at how life can be so unfair BUT the fact you are feeling well has got to be a positive, prognosis is based on statistics, forget them! You are an individual and a special one at that! Lets just go on how you’re feeling at the moment and physically that’s strong 💪🏻 Right I’m off to run this steam off, see you soon with alternative remedies! 💚💚💚
LikeLike
Ah Pauline, scream as much as you want! I hope your meeting with the team will be a positive one, with no more bad news. Hugs and love, xxx
LikeLike
Pauline cry when ever you need to. The situation you are dealing with has no rules. I know the medical team will plan your care with their skill and experience, making sure you and Max are fully informed and involved at all times. Find your strength from your beautiful family. We are all in overtime with our prayers.
LikeLike
I agree with Meg.xx
LikeLike
I hope Max is careful with his dibber! Your garden will be a great reminder and purpose, no matter what the medical team say. It sounds like a project to help you both focus and cope, as a couple and as individuals joined by love and experiences you’ve share. I would say dig, don’t scream, but you’ll have one hell of a pond in no time at all! Don’t be afraid or ashamed to cry Pauline, and may all your memories of loved ones past and present be a blessing for this afternoon x
LikeLike
Consultants and their teams are so knowledgeable, skilled and compassionate. I’m sure your consultant will take good care of you tomorrow, tailoring his/her advice and approach to you as an individual.
What a lovely idea to create your Golden Garden. Hope you have arrived home armed with lots of nice plants :0)
LikeLike
What a lovey idea creating a garden to celebrate your long and happy marriage. We are only 17 years in and it already feels like 50 🙂
Really enjoying your blog and sending lots of love your way.
The Steads x
LikeLike