Category: Anger

Let the sun shine in

A beautiful April day yesterday, the warmest on record since the 1940s apparently. Also, my Mum’s birthday and yesterday was my Dad’s. I have always felt close to my parents both when living and dead, but I have felt their presence more in recent weeks.

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This “cancer journey” has been a busy one over the last ten days but is now settling. Family will be getting tired of me complaining of fatigue, but I have really felt drained.

Then, in Weston Park hospital on Wednesday was a large poster illustrating the fact that apparently 90% of patients feel fatigue because of many reasons, so now I can doze during the day with a clear conscience!

I have now started monthly injections into abdomen to combat bone lesions but the oncologist thinks these are not significant. Hopefully he is just covering all the bases.

Still awaiting biopsy results, but they should be here soon, ensuring that cancer is targeted by the correct treatment – much of which has already begun. I have every faith in Dr Winter. All in all, Wednesday’s appointment was positive. I just need to build up my fitness levels to make sure I can face any challenges that might lie ahead.

So, a look around for projects to do and people and places to visit this summer to make sure I use time positively. It’s so easy to take time for granted and therefore waste it. Every day feeling well and shared with those we love is a bonus. I am indeed grateful. So “Let the sun shine in”.

Acceptance and living – a two-edged sword

I feel I need a good cry today. And I am angry with the situation. I haven’t felt this well for ages. My mind at the moment is clear and uncluttered. My thinking about things other than brain mets is functioning well.

I am looking at the tete a tete daffs I planted in the autumn which are now blooming and asking will I see them next year. I don’t want to do this. Living in the moment, though we know it is the positive thing to do, can be the hardest.

“Fair daffodils we weep to see thee haste away so soon.
As yet the early rising sun hath not attained its moon.”

I remember reading this poem about death and daffodils for the first time at college when studying 16th century poets. 19, strong and healthy it made an impression, but one I was able to put in a brain box for some time, but still a quote that has spoken to me many times over the years.

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I now have my appointment with an oncologist – tomorrow teatime. How much do I want to know? As much or as little as I can cope with? How much am I physically willing to put up with in the hope of an extension? I would be foolish not to work with modern medicine and yet I must harness my spirit, my soul and unite it with that of God and my loved ones gone before me.

This balance of acceptance and living is a two-edged sword. I must listen to John Denver singing “Spirit” today. We played it at Nicky’s funeral when it gave me great comfort and of course I have listened to it countless times since. Listening to it makes me cry. Wow! What a bundle of laughs am I.

We’re off to a garden centre today. Max has cleared a front border over winter so that we could make our Golden Garden in celebration of our Golden wedding last October.

Hopefully, choosing new plants to add to the ones bought for our celebration will be a positive thing, but it will not be a memorial garden at this stage Pauline!

It will be a shining garden of hope, positivity, purposefulness and love that our 50 year marriage has given us. I love my Max! I love my children and grandchildren. I love my large family and my many friends. And now, forgive me, I shall scream!

Pauline

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Not such a brave lady

The day began yesterday having had a decent sleep. Enjoyed seeing the Geordie branch of the family. Children beautiful and growing fast. Little Max nearly 11 months but he’s so big! Emily put on a concert for us with four dress changes. What a star she is! And Cass face-timed after his team won a Futsal tournament in which he scored eight goals and played brilliantly his Mum said.

But then – I don’t know what happened. Things went into a downward spiral. Though I feel good, did some baking, prepared dinner, I couldn’t stop thinking about death, my death, and it’s doing my head in. Not such a brave lady. All smoke and no fire. What a hypocrite I feel.

How do others deal with situations like this? Where do they get their strength, their peace? Is it in acceptance? In resignation? In fight? In contemplation? Stephen gave me some sound advice recently which I keep returning to. Poor Max. He keeps getting it in the ear.

I’ve decided to stay up late with the IPad and distract with drama – as if there wasn’t enough in my life at the moment.

11 March 2018

And so morning comes. A few hours of Lethe and then we’re off. A quiet early cup of tea with birds twittering in the garden. Many can’t hear birds, many have no garden – so be quiet Pauline. Seek out only the positives.

Stop measuring the worth of your life in human measurements of time. It’s mere jealousy of others that’s motivating your anger.

Dylan Thomas says in his poetry:

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While I feel well, I must rage. I must do. I must be. Live for the moment.

“Christ be with me. Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left…”