Six months on

Just over six months have passed since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It’s been a time of self learning and assessment.

To be honest I wasn’t always sure I would make it to this point even though the medics were of a different opinion.

One thing that was made clear recently is that I can’t be ‘cured’. Like the contents of Pandora’s box, once opened/released, cancerous cells will travel wherever in the body. I’m only just getting my head round this fact.

However, the excellent treatment I’m being given is extending my life. It’s up to me to embrace this and use my time productively.

I’ve always been a last minute kind of girl and work better with a deadline looming. Should I now be more structured and timetable each day to get the most out of it?

Or should I just allow myself to be free to do whatever the moment suggests and enjoy it and those I come into contact with?

The adage “you can’t change the habits of a lifetime” comes to mind.

Yesterday I was positive and full of possibilities. I felt the gentle hand of God calming me, bringing me peace.

Today, the doubts and fears are edging in again. Help me, Lord, to draw from you courage and tranquility, hope and acceptance. Teach me to embrace only positive vibes.

Help me to remember my good fortune.

“Hear the voice of my pleading as I cry for help,
as I lift up my hands in prayer to your holy place.” (Psalm 27)

I feel lucky

bristowe family2 I must have some powerful, prayerful friends and family out there working overtime.

Today was my appointment with the oncologist. Though I didn’t expect it the CT scan results were back and were good news.

They showed that the cancer in the omentum had shrunk, the bone density in my spine had increased, and the MRI scan from last week’s radio surgery showed that all current brain lesions had disappeared or just left scarring.

To be told I was stable would have been a plus, but to be told that the cancer had shrunk was terrific!

I feel blessed. I feel lucky-lucky to have such a strong, knowledgeable team of NHS people fighting my corner, lucky to have been blessed with good health all my life which has made me strong, lucky to have so many wonderful people praying for me every day, interceding with God. Definitely a “sunshiny day”.

I know that I’m still only at the beginning of my ‘cancer journey’, but some pot holes have been negotiated. Some have even been filled in.

I will do my best to keep strong and optimistic. I will try not to look too far ahead. I will hopefully get better at living with cancer without allowing it to dominate my life.

Blessings to all those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. May their friends and family carry and support them as mine are supporting me.

Thank you 🙏

Another marker met

Yesterday I went with Max and my sisters on a pilgrimage of sorts to Our Lady’s Chapel in Osmotherley.

I felt I needed a spiritual boost and the destination proved to be the perfect answer. Wonderful scenery, atmosphere and fellow travellers! The day proved to be spiritually and mentally uplifting and therefore successful. I was made more ready for my event of the week.

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I’ve been engrossed like many in the European Games coming from Glasgow and Berlin. They’ve helped distract me from my preoccupation with cancer and its demands.

Last week was a full body CT scan – the results of which I’m still waiting for. Monday it was a meeting with a neurosurgeon about gamma knife. Today it was treatment for the new lesion found in the cerebellum.

Happily it was small and needed only 20 minutes of radiation at full dosage. The MRI scan also showed that previous lesions had either disappeared or left only scarring after previous treatment in April. Result! Target met!

So it’s forward with positivity and resolve but not getting too carried away. Thanks to all for continued prayers and good wishes. I know I’m blessed to have so many who care for me.

God bless you and your families.

The power of light

The sun, earth’s provider of light and heat, has been shining for us in England and over the rest of Europe for weeks now.

Its laser-like rays cut through the atmosphere relentlessly and can be a curse as well as a blessing. These shafts of light, straight and sure like arrows, make me think of radiotherapy and gamma knife technology – precise, unswerving, directed.

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I was told some news yesterday about my brain mets treated in April. Mixed news – some good, some bad. Those mets targeted have shrunk but a new small area has appeared.

Fortunately, I’m a suitable candidate to have the surgery again which will take place next week.

Needless to say I’m nervous. I would even say scared. I re-read my blog post which I wrote just after the surgery where I described it as an enlightening experience.

I hadn’t known what to expect and so approached it differently. I was blissfully unaware I suppose, so I was relaxed. Somehow, I have to get to that place again. The support and prayers of my family and many friends are helping me so much. It does take a lot of energy being continually positive.

May the physicist, consultant and radiologists be guided in their work by the sure and healing hand of God. And may my trust in my Creator be strengthened so that I face the future with courage.

Blackcurrant jam or Pauline

Which will last the longest?

I’ve just made a batch of jam using allotment blackcurrants and, my mood being what it is at the moment, as I was bottling it I got to wondering which of the two had the longest shelf life! Me or the jam?

I feel reasonably well though I’m on my third round of antibiotics in as many months. I can’t seem to shake this cough, but my immune system is compromised by oral chemotherapy at the moment.

I’m also awaiting results of a brain scan I had recently and have to have a body scan next week. I have to learn not to put my life on hold while waiting for results. I need to keep busy, do things, go places, see people and not wallow in self pity.

So I would ask anyone reading my words to keep praying for me to be strong, hopeful and courageous as others are.

May optimism and positivity be my motto so that I can look forward to making another batch of blackcurrant jam next summer. I’ve still got some empty jars!

I’ve got butterflies

I’m sitting watching the majestic Federer play tennis at Wimbledon. The butterflies are fluttering outside on a beautiful summer’s day and they’re also fluttering inside my stomach at the moment.

The reason? I have an appointment for a head MRI scan on Friday and to be truthful I’m feeling nervous. I feel well apart from a cold and chesty cough.

Oral Chemo treatment is progressing with few problems and apparently I look well according to public opinion. Still I’m nervous.

It’s been three months since gamma knife treatment so the success of that procedure needs checking as does the growth of any more tumours. This is what is giving me butterflies!

They were dark days and I don’t want to go back there. However I must deal with whatever I find which takes me back to my first blog post and the poem Invictus.

I have to ‘keep faith’ as they say. I must remain positive and go with how I’m feeling – and that is good.

My family and friends are wonderful – so supportive, so hopeful, looking forward to the future with realism yet optimistically. I have to keep strong for them.

I’ve never had a bucket list. I’m not organised enough for one but if I were to have one, at the top of my list would be children and grandchildren-related goals. I’m no different from many, many other people. Love for family is all.

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So I write this as King Roger is being tested. He has learned to deal with tricky situations and so must I.

Flutter by Butterfly!

Dealing with potholes

Another beautiful day again today and the wind had dropped – but so has my mood!

I’ve had a buoyant few weeks of positivity, but woke up early today with dark thoughts.

The visit to the hospital on Wednesday was long but not troublesome – just waiting for blood results, calcium results, meds from pharmacy etc.

Thank goodness the service is there for me to access. I’ve had one cycle of this new drug and seem to have tolerated it quite well, though my white blood cell count dipped very low. I’m hoping that it picked up again before I began a new cycle.

What is daunting is that this is my life now for as long as. There are some very strong people out there dealing with tough situations who put me to shame. I wonder how they deal with their ‘pot holes’?

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Perhaps when approaching they see them and swerve or side step to avoid them. I need to find a new tactic so I don’t allow myself to hit them.

Distraction until I have passed it is a possibility. Acceptance that potholes are there so move carefully is another. Take the bump and move on is yet another.

It won’t be long before another MRI scan is taken to see what’s happening in my brain. This has been on my mind a lot recently, so perhaps that’s the pothole. I cannot avoid it so I must approach it but do so with caution and hope.

Now I will “look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?” Take heed of Matthew’s Gospel, Pauline! Trust and hope! 💚

What I’ve learned on my cancer journey so far

25 May is a day to remember for the family today. It would have been Tony, my brother’s, 76th birthday, but he died in December. However it’s an opportunity to celebrate his life and all the love he brought with him.

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Another reason to celebrate life is Baby Ally, my great nephew, born prematurely at 24 weeks. Weighing just over one and half pounds at birth, he is going home from hospital today now weighing almost five pounds.

He is 24+13 weeks in hospital speak! A strong baby who has benefited from wonderful care by the NHS and amazing devotion from his parents. It’s not been an easy time for them, but they’ve found strength in one another and their families.

I too have a reason to celebrate the NHS. Not only have I benefited from Gamma Knife treatment, I’ve now been given a new drug only recently on the market, which has shown in trials to be effective, but is expensive.

If it suits me, the oncologist says it could, in combination with other meds I’m taking, control the cancer for a possible two years. I feel so blessed and thankful for our health system! We as a nation need to protect it.

Almost 13 weeks on from my first blog post, I want to express my belief in prayer, my gratitude to medics of all disciplines, and the spiritual, physical and moral support of my family and friends.

At the moment I feel tired but otherwise well. What have I learned so far from my ‘cancer journey’?

That most terrains go up and down with some plateaus
That it’s ok to feel scared, but not to give in to fear
That you meet many amazing people on the way
That there is goodness in most people if you look closely enough
That suffering and joy are not mine alone, because we are all human

I’ll make today my ‘P’ day

I haven’t felt the need to write for a while, but I’m hitting a low point at the moment.

I am losing the ‘p’ in positivity even though the weather is glorious and should give me a boost.

I seem to be picking up everyday complaints since coming off steroids – chest infection, headaches, stomach upsets etc which normally my body would deal with no problem. And at that point I will change tack!

I will think of all the good things I can beginning with the letter P. Perseverance, politeness, purposeful, precious people, plentiful, pleasing, picturesque, peaceful.

Since Easter the scriptural readings have included meetings the apostles and others have had with the risen Christ. Many of these have been while making journeys. Very often Christ wasn’t recognised until the moment had passed.

Did they lack positivity like me or were they too engrossed in their circumstances to notice – again like me? I must continually look for Christ on my journey.

Which brings me to a final word beginning with P…Paraclete… Spirit.

“Come Holy Spirit! Fill me with purpose, confidence, courage to accept your plan for me, whatever it is. Stop me being a wimp.

Ensure that I keep seeing Christ on my journey. Let me remember that he is in others; those who care for and help and offer me encouragement and support. My lacking positivity saddens and insults them.

I will make today a P day!
“Paraclete..Fill the hearts of your faithful; enkindle them in your love”.

P for Pauline

Let the sun shine in

A beautiful April day yesterday, the warmest on record since the 1940s apparently. Also, my Mum’s birthday and yesterday was my Dad’s. I have always felt close to my parents both when living and dead, but I have felt their presence more in recent weeks.

This “cancer journey” has been a busy one over the last ten days but is now settling. Family will be getting tired of me complaining of fatigue, but I have really felt drained.

Then, in Weston Park hospital on Wednesday was a large poster illustrating the fact that apparently 90% of patients feel fatigue because of many reasons, so now I can doze during the day with a clear conscience!

I have now started monthly injections into abdomen to combat bone lesions but the oncologist thinks these are not significant. Hopefully he is just covering all the bases.

Still awaiting biopsy results, but they should be here soon, ensuring that cancer is targeted by the correct treatment – much of which has already begun. I have every faith in Dr Winter. All in all, Wednesday’s appointment was positive. I just need to build up my fitness levels to make sure I can face any challenges that might lie ahead.

So, a look around for projects to do and people and places to visit this summer to make sure I use time positively. It’s so easy to take time for granted and therefore waste it. Every day feeling well and shared with those we love is a bonus. I am indeed grateful. So “Let the sun shine in”.