Category: Depression

Stable Mabel again

While there is much talk in the news of long hospital waiting times because of the effects of the pandemic, I am very fortunate to say I have not been affected. Possibly because I am already in the system. 

I recently had another head MRI to check for metastasis in my brain. My 16th+ I think but I have lost count. I am so pleased to say thankfully that it was clear. Stable Mabel again!

I found it more difficult this time

I am truly grateful, but I found it more difficult this time to go and deal with the scan and to remain positive. I felt not only fatigued but emotionally low. 

Luckily my family bolster me and keep me grounded. They challenge my negativity with humour, common sense and love and turn it into positivity and hope. They find the right balance in their listening and speaking.

I am reminded in a good way that many suffer. It is a part of being human. But if we are lovingly supported, it is possible to manage the most difficult experiences.

“Do not fear”

Today while reading I came across a Bible quotation from the Old Testament: “And my spirit continues in your midst; do not fear!” Though written thousands of years ago, God speaks these same words to us today. 

Whatever we may be exhausted from, whatever we may be overwhelmed by, God is with us. God is for us. With faith we need not be afraid.

Hopefully, I will remember this in 2 months time when my next scans are due. 

Be strong and be well! 
Pauline

Blackcurrant jam or Pauline

Which will last the longest?

I’ve just made a batch of jam using allotment blackcurrants and, my mood being what it is at the moment, as I was bottling it I got to wondering which of the two had the longest shelf life! Me or the jam?

jam

I feel reasonably well though I’m on my third round of antibiotics in as many months. I can’t seem to shake this cough, but my immune system is compromised by oral chemotherapy at the moment.

I’m also awaiting results of a brain scan I had recently and have to have a body scan next week. I have to learn not to put my life on hold while waiting for results. I need to keep busy, do things, go places, see people and not wallow in self pity.

So I would ask anyone reading my words to keep praying for me to be strong, hopeful and courageous as others are.

May optimism and positivity be my motto so that I can look forward to making another batch of blackcurrant jam next summer. I’ve still got some empty jars!

Dealing with potholes

Another beautiful day again today and the wind had dropped – but so has my mood!

I’ve had a buoyant few weeks of positivity, but woke up early today with dark thoughts.

The visit to the hospital on Wednesday was long but not troublesome – just waiting for blood results, calcium results, meds from pharmacy etc.

Thank goodness the service is there for me to access. I’ve had one cycle of this new drug and seem to have tolerated it quite well, though my white blood cell count dipped very low. I’m hoping that it picked up again before I began  a new cycle.

What is daunting is that this is my life now for as long as. There are some very strong people out there dealing with tough situations who put me to shame. I wonder how they deal with their ‘pot holes’?

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Perhaps when approaching they see them and swerve or side step to avoid them. I need to find a new tactic so I don’t allow myself to hit them.

Distraction until I have passed it is a possibility. Acceptance that potholes are there so move carefully is another. Take the bump and move on is yet another.

It won’t be long before another MRI scan is taken to see what’s happening in my brain. This has been on my mind a lot recently, so perhaps that’s the pothole.  I cannot avoid it so I must approach it  but do so with caution and hope.

Now I will “look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?” Take heed of Matthew’s Gospel, Pauline!  Trust and hope! 💚

I’ll make today my ‘P’ day

I haven’t felt the need to write for a while, but I’m hitting a low point at the moment.

I am losing the ‘p’ in positivity even though the weather is glorious and should give me a boost.

I seem to be picking up everyday complaints since coming off steroids – chest infection, headaches, stomach upsets etc which normally my body would deal with no problem. And at that point I will change tack!

I will think of all the good things I can beginning with the letter P. Perseverance, politeness, purposeful, precious people, plentiful, pleasing, picturesque, peaceful.

Since Easter the scriptural readings have included meetings the apostles and others have had with the risen Christ. Many of these have been while making journeys. Very often Christ wasn’t recognised until the moment had passed.

Did they lack positivity like me or were they too engrossed in their circumstances to notice – again like me? I must continually look for Christ on my journey.

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Which brings me to a final word beginning with P…Paraclete… Spirit.

“Come Holy Spirit! Fill me with purpose, confidence, courage to accept your plan for me, whatever it is. Stop me being a wimp.

Ensure that I keep seeing Christ on my journey. Let me remember that he is in others; those who care for and help and offer me encouragement and support. My lacking positivity saddens and insults them.

I will make today a P day!
“Paraclete..Fill the hearts of your faithful; enkindle them in your love”.

P for Pauline

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I’m slowly sinking

Even more snow. Beautiful though it can look I’m already feeling overwhelmed at the moment, as though I’m slowly sinking and am about to suffocate.

snow

Positivity has deserted me and depression is settling in. I am intelligent enough to know it could be new meds with side effects but knowing that isn’t helpful. I just want it all to go away. I want someone to take any decisions away from me. I can’t handle the truth at the moment.

Feeling physically well and being told you have an incurable illness just don’t jigsaw together. My mind is going way ahead of me at the moment. I am not living in the now. I have neglected prayer and meditation these last few days which could have made a difference.

“Lord for tomorrow and its needs I do not pray. Keep me from depression Lord, just for today.”