Category: Family and friends

Acceptance and living – a two-edged sword

I feel I need a good cry today. And I am angry with the situation. I haven’t felt this well for ages. My mind at the moment is clear and uncluttered. My thinking about things other than brain mets is functioning well.

I am looking at the tete a tete daffs I planted in the autumn which are now blooming and asking will I see them next year. I don’t want to do this. Living in the moment, though we know it is the positive thing to do, can be the hardest.

“Fair daffodils we weep to see thee haste away so soon.
As yet the early rising sun hath not attained its moon.”

I remember reading this poem about death and daffodils for the first time at college when studying 16th century poets. 19, strong and healthy it made an impression, but one I was able to put in a brain box for some time, but still a quote that has spoken to me many times over the years.

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I now have my appointment with an oncologist – tomorrow teatime. How much do I want to know? As much or as little as I can cope with? How much am I physically willing to put up with in the hope of an extension? I would be foolish not to work with modern medicine and yet I must harness my spirit, my soul and unite it with that of God and my loved ones gone before me.

This balance of acceptance and living is a two-edged sword. I must listen to John Denver singing “Spirit” today. We played it at Nicky’s funeral when it gave me great comfort and of course I have listened to it countless times since. Listening to it makes me cry. Wow! What a bundle of laughs am I.

We’re off to a garden centre today. Max has cleared a front border over winter so that we could make our Golden Garden in celebration of our Golden wedding last October.

Hopefully, choosing new plants to add to the ones bought for our celebration will be a positive thing, but it will not be a memorial garden at this stage Pauline!

It will be a shining garden of hope, positivity, purposefulness and love that our 50 year marriage has given us. I love my Max! I love my children and grandchildren. I love my large family and my many friends. And now, forgive me, I shall scream!

Pauline

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My amazing mother

To blog or not to blog – that is the question. I began the blog to occupy me, to put my thoughts down to try and clear my thinking, but I feel I’m going into overdrive. I’m trying to understand this disease – I know its cellular multiplication and migration to other organs, some renegades on a riot.

My problem is there have been no signs unless the back pain wasn’t arthritis, but x-rays showed wear and tear and damaged joints. It’s all crept up on me and that’s why I’m reeling.

I’m hoping that the team meeting this week to assess my records will be bright eyed and bushy tailed and approach the meeting with clinical wisdom, experience and interest.

I do not want anyone to look at them and not see me – a passionate, intelligent 74 year old woman with some living still to do. My job, my purpose, is to make my husband and family smile every day. I still have a role to play in this great world of ours. There are still people out there I can help and support.

Today is the day to write down some questions for the oncologist. Please dear Lord, inspire this medic I have yet to meet with positive answers. Give me the guts to ask some useful if difficult questions.

Grandma win

As Mothering Sunday comes to an end I must pay tribute to my amazing mother who, in her latter years, faced so many challenges with extraordinary courage and prevailed many times. Dogged, determined, supportive of all her six children: funny, clever, generous to a fault. I temporarily forgot that she is still supporting all of us, she is still with us every step of the way. I must take courage from her. Thank you Mum.

Pauline

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My forces of nature

Last night was a good night. For the first time since this shadowland began, I went to sleep with a feeling of relief and a quiet mind. I knew my situation was little different, but my green mood had resurfaced just a little. Weather wise it had been a fine and warmer day.

But it hadn’t just been about the weather. It had been about relationships, friendships and love of family. We spent lunch with our wonderful friends of 50 + years chatting about all things important: children, grandchildren, careers, holiday plans – only mentioning this illness once but not deliberately ignoring it.

We returned home for an expected phone call about an appointment with the oncologist hopefully next week but nothing came, so I tried phoning and left messages. But I shouldn’t have worried! My daughters, who are forces of nature, had been on the case all day, researching oncologists, e-mailing them and their secretaries. PALS had been contacted for advice and to inform, the Macmillan co-ordinator team in Barnsley had been phoned and filled in.

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By early evening some plans were in place. It appears that my case is complex. No-one at the Wednesday meeting wanted to make a decision since there is no obvious tumour in the breast, yet histology seems to support that brain mets are from breast cancer.

So, by teatime yesterday, my forces of nature, having joined up with the co-ordinator here in Barnsley, have sorted that my notes, samples etc are being taxied to Weston Park, Sheffield on Monday morning to be further investigated by a team there and scrutinised even more thoroughly so that the correct guide be found for my particular cancer treatment. It is hoped an appointment will be in place for next Wednesday.

In the meantime, I’m being plied and encouraged to join in with alternative therapies and complementary medicines by my girls to bolster my immune system and calm my spirit. I feel well. I have always been blessed with good health. And so:

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The inevitable waiting begins and I pray for patience. Max might be pleased if I get my “Haven’t you done it yet?” attitude sorted.

Pauline
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