Category: Prayer

It’s good to reflect on the positives

It’s a while since I’ve written a blog post. I felt I didn’t have anything new or interesting to share, but having had both a brain and body scan recently I changed my mind.

The brain scan was my 22nd and my body scan in the teens. I’m certainly keeping radiology busy. I just found out that the results showed everything is stable. So, the medication is definitely working for which I am most grateful.

Once again I am enjoying the Spring in all its blossoming beauty – though it’s a pity it’s not a little warmer.  Five years ago I was advised that the cancer was manageable but could not be eradicated. 

Since then my youngest grandchild has grown from a baby to a school boy, three have moved to secondary school, one to 6th form and hopefully I can share with my oldest grandchild as he receives his degree this summer.

I didn’t always see these events as possibilities. I am truly thankful and grateful for all the prayers and good wishes from many people. 

May you all enjoy a wonderful spring and summer.

Pauline

“I cannot imagine death”

I haven’t written a blog post for a while. I didn’t feel that I had anything new to say about my situation. Life continues as normal. Like most people I follow a routine and one day, one week blends into the next. 

Today however, I heard the news that a young woman – a wife, mother and presenter of the BBC podcast “You, Me and the Big C” was receiving end-of-life care since treatment for the cancer she has had for the last 6 years is no longer an option. 

“All I want is more life” she said. Understandable since she has children who need her. Her situation and that of thousands of others got me thinking. All of us know that life is limited.

We are given a certain life span but we don’t know how long this is. Some make better use of their time than others. Not always my strength. Some try to pack in as much as possible. Again, not a characteristic of mine. 

Even living with an incurable disease, there are many days when I cannot imagine death.  I just get on with my unexciting but happy routine. This may change but I hope not since it keeps me calm and grounded.

What makes life precious

Seeing Springtime in all its glory. Watching a robin hopping in the garden. Listening to a blackbird singing on the rooftop. Chatting with grandchildren and their parents, hearing their news and making my husband smile every day even when annoyed.

All these things make life precious so that yes indeed, we do “want more life”.

I choose to believe that in death “life is changed not ended”. That we remain closely connected to those we love. I pray that my belief stays strong. Four years have passed since diagnosis and I am still learning to live in the moment and not measure myself against anyone else.  

“Lord, for tomorrow and its needs I do not pray. Keep me, my God from stain of sin just for today.”

Abundant blessings

Pauline

Stable Mabel again

While there is much talk in the news of long hospital waiting times because of the effects of the pandemic, I am very fortunate to say I have not been affected. Possibly because I am already in the system. 

I recently had another head MRI to check for metastasis in my brain. My 16th+ I think but I have lost count. I am so pleased to say thankfully that it was clear. Stable Mabel again!

I found it more difficult this time

I am truly grateful, but I found it more difficult this time to go and deal with the scan and to remain positive. I felt not only fatigued but emotionally low. 

Luckily my family bolster me and keep me grounded. They challenge my negativity with humour, common sense and love and turn it into positivity and hope. They find the right balance in their listening and speaking.

I am reminded in a good way that many suffer. It is a part of being human. But if we are lovingly supported, it is possible to manage the most difficult experiences.

“Do not fear”

Today while reading I came across a Bible quotation from the Old Testament: “And my spirit continues in your midst; do not fear!” Though written thousands of years ago, God speaks these same words to us today. 

Whatever we may be exhausted from, whatever we may be overwhelmed by, God is with us. God is for us. With faith we need not be afraid.

Hopefully, I will remember this in 2 months time when my next scans are due. 

Be strong and be well! 
Pauline

The cancer in my brain has made another appearance

The last time I wrote a blog post we as a country were coming out of lockdown. Unfortunately, as I write this we are once more going into lots of local restrictions as the virus insidiously starts to appear again.

As though mirroring the virus, the cancer in my brain has also made another appearance. My consultant today told me of a new but very small lesion on the cerebellum. It can be treated with stereotactic surgery and so I have agreed to go ahead with this once again. 

It will happen quite soon so the growth can be nipped in the bud so to speak. I know I am lucky to live where I do because of the treatment options locally, but I feel each time I have to dig a little deeper to find some energy and resolve.

I am also having an MRI scan on my spine to ensure that nothing else sinister is going on – I have had more pain of late. On the positive side the consultant thinks it will show no sign of cancer. He’s just double checking.

Once again the NHS is coming to my rescue. 

I need your prayers

As my eldest grandchild left home today to begin university, I wondered how many more times I would see him. I don’t like thinking this way. It’s morbid. I just need your prayers and the gifts of the Spirit to keep me buoyant and to remind me of how lucky I am.  

Ruth, also thinking about her son going off to university, shared a poem by Kahlil Gibran that we used as part of our son’s funeral service. She didn’t know we had used it. She was only four at the time and yet today it helped her understand a life lesson and reminded me of it.

On children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.


You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.


You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness,
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet


“So he also loves the bow that is stable.” I need to remember this and believe it. 

Pray that we may all be grounded in and by God’s love. 

Blessings to you. 


Pauline

Wonderful news in the midst of uncertainty

It has been many weeks since I last blogged and much has happened to the world and its people in that time in terms of sadness, courage and self sacrifice.

We are all reeling from the effects of Covid 19 on lives and economies both personally and nationally.  I hope you are all safe and well as we emerge from lockdown.

eca7dd0e-c333-48a9-8bed-de4109b91af3

Thankfully my treatment for cancer has continued throughout with scans, stereotactic surgery, telephone consultations and injections.  I can only praise my oncology team and the NHS.

Today I was told by my consultant  that my scans show no change from the last, taken 7 months ago,  which came as wonderful positive news.

The stereotactic surgery was minimal, comparatively speaking, dealing with 1 met in my brain that had regrown.

This all means that I can relax for a while in the knowledge that the experts are on top of the disease.

With a bit of luck, the sun will shine again and I will be able to make the most of the summer.

“Let me sing of the Lord! He has been good to me!”

I am grateful for your prayers and positive thoughts, and the brilliant NHS which continues to care for me.

Pauline

Live in the moment

Another new year has begun, another decade unfolds and these happenings demand a thank you from me.

Before Christmas I had another brain MRI scan to make doubly sure that all was well. I was assured that whatever was there was nothing to be alarmed about and I was scheduled for a further scan in 3 months time as a normal part of my treatment plan.

So another season of celebration and thanks has come and gone. The Lord’s plan for me continues and I am trying to make each day count. The future lays hidden but that’s not a bad thing.  May you all enjoy and live in each moment.

88a74ba1-9955-472e-a16a-a43b526b4b70

4061f5b8-c23c-46a8-9c12-1b6f86c46ab8

Thank you for your continued prayers and good wishes. A happy and healthy new year to you all.

Pauline

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness

At a similar time last year, I was making blackcurrant jam and I asked myself the question, ‘Will I be making this next summer?’

My sister said firmly she would save me some jars and indeed I needed them since I did manage to make some.

As we move forward into autumn, though tired, I am pleased to say I feel okay. The monthly injections and blood tests at the hospital continue. But since I am judged to be stable, I’m now attending a nurse/pharmacist-led clinic with a doctor in the wings if necessary. I do feel lucky and blessed.

autumn-leaves-1080x675.jpg

I’m learning to live with cancer a little better each day.  I’ve joined a Pilates class for the first time ever and am feeling parts of my body I had forgotten about because of lack of use!

I’m a professional coffee drinker at many cafes and restaurants in the area and I’m becoming addicted to technology as I investigate the myriad of games available. Ironing is very neglected!

I’ve enjoyed family events and holidays throughout the summer and realise how lucky I am.  God has certainly blessed me in countless ways. I hope that having this disease has taught me more about generosity of spirit and caring for people.  I’ve been shown so much love and care by my family and friends since diagnosis.

And so I say thanks to you all for your prayers as a Mass is offered for your intentions and for those whom you love. May autumn be a ‘season of mists and mellow fruitfulness’ for you.

Pauline

Renewed hope and the Holy Spirit

“They were all filled with the Holy Spirit…”

Today is a day of celebration for Christians since it is Pentecost Sunday, the birthday of the Church.

CFE8917D-BC67-4289-B672-531A79B9AB42.jpeg
The earliest Christians were inspired and filled with courage and determination by the Holy Spirit. They looked to the future with hope and confidence.

News of my last MRI scan came on Thursday and filled me with renewed hope.

My oncologist phoned to tell me that all was clear in my brain. Thankfully, nothing new was visible and treated brain mets were slowly decaying.

The cancer in the body is being kept under control by medication so I do indeed have much to give thanks for.

The Holy Spirit is working through the doctors to keep me well.

As I look forward to the rest of the summer I thank all those who continue to pray for me and wish me well.

I do believe prayer 🙏 is helping me and I am grateful for it.

Thank you.

Pauline

The green sprigs of hope

D02BC0E7-8B15-4271-A395-D9D4997F9C7DWe are enjoying beautiful weather this Eastertide. Fine days with warm sun.

But always in the background are sounds and signs of sadness – the bombings in Sri Lanka, a family devastated by the suicide of their father, the grief of a family whose daughter has died after a long battle with illness.

Our optimism and hope are so easily crushed.

But then, sitting outside, feeling the breeze and warm sunshine, I was captivated by a pair of robins nesting in the garden.

To and fro to the nest they went, obviously feeding babies. Their constancy and purposeful flight reminded me of both God’s care for us, never ending, and mankind’s care for one another, because there is much of it in the world if we look.

Easter is a time of renewal, of hope. Even at our saddest, even when we ask questions that can’t be answered, the green sprigs of hope somehow keep growing. The trees that surround us are bursting into life.

Renewal is all around us. May we also be renewed and strengthened in this season of resurrection.

Easter blessings to you all.

A year since I was diagnosed

A year ago today, 27 February 2018, in A&E I was told I had brain tumours and that they were secondaries.

As my first blog post said I didn’t want to speak about it. This was partly a result of shock but also my non acceptance of the situation.

12 months have passed. 4 full body scans, 4 brain scans, 2 lots of brain radiotherapy, 11 abdominal injections and 11 months of oral chemotherapy and I am still struggling to completely accept that I have incurable cancer.

Today even at my appointment I asked why it was incurable though I knew the answer. I was hoping for a contradiction.

I should be thankful that a year has passed and I have been able to carry on as normal. I keep reminding myself that there are hundreds of thousands of people who live with other incurable illnesses including family members, but they don’t wallow in their situation. They adapt to it and get on with life.

I have been saying the Serenity Prayer repeatedly to remind myself that acceptance together with courage and determination are the better part.

Once again I thank you all for your healing prayers and thoughts.  They will I am sure keep me strong and resolute. Here’s to another positive year!

Pauline