I’ll make today my ‘P’ day

I haven’t felt the need to write for a while, but I’m hitting a low point at the moment.

I am losing the ‘p’ in positivity even though the weather is glorious and should give me a boost.

I seem to be picking up everyday complaints since coming off steroids – chest infection, headaches, stomach upsets etc which normally my body would deal with no problem. And at that point I will change tack!

I will think of all the good things I can beginning with the letter P. Perseverance, politeness, purposeful, precious people, plentiful, pleasing, picturesque, peaceful.

Since Easter the scriptural readings have included meetings the apostles and others have had with the risen Christ. Many of these have been while making journeys. Very often Christ wasn’t recognised until the moment had passed.

Did they lack positivity like me or were they too engrossed in their circumstances to notice – again like me? I must continually look for Christ on my journey.

Which brings me to a final word beginning with P…Paraclete… Spirit.

“Come Holy Spirit! Fill me with purpose, confidence, courage to accept your plan for me, whatever it is. Stop me being a wimp.

Ensure that I keep seeing Christ on my journey. Let me remember that he is in others; those who care for and help and offer me encouragement and support. My lacking positivity saddens and insults them.

I will make today a P day!
“Paraclete..Fill the hearts of your faithful; enkindle them in your love”.

P for Pauline

“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forwards”

I’m not nor ever have been a farmer. A cat and currently a carer for my grandson’s tortoise is as far as my husbandry skills extend. However, it’s lambing time and if we venture a short journey out of the suburbs, we soon see ewes and lambs enjoying a natural, close relationship in the fields and meadows. All this under the watchful and experienced eye of the farmer.

In yesterday’s gospel, Jesus tells us that he is the good Shepherd who cares for his sheep. Like the ewes in the meadows protectively watching their lambs, Christ has an all-seeing eye on us. He is committed to our care, to our well being. He knows the dangers that face us, he knows the safe routes and will show us the way through.

All of us face tricky situations sometimes in our lives – some seemingly more than others. Perhaps what will make us stronger is to assume the role of the shepherd rather than the sheep, so that we support the worried, the sick, the neglected, the lonely. We can listen to and support them, we can fight their corner. We can stand for justice.

“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forwards.” (Swedish proverb)

A day of enlightenment

26 February seems light years away and yet it isn’t seven weeks since. How much has happened in this short space of time and what a learning curve I have been and am still on.

Yesterday was a privileged day for me and my family. I went to Thornbury hospital, working with NHS, for Gamma Knife treatment which specifically targets brain tumours leaving healthy brain tissue intact.

What amazing technology and even more important to my mind, what amazing people delivering it. My team was headed by Mr Rowe. A quiet, gentle, very clever man but also compassionate and empathetic. He was working with another neurosurgeon and radiologists and was extremely positive at the end of my treatment programme.

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This was the part of the plan I was most nervous about and yet it became an uplifting experience. Positivity was the word of the day. “Lord for tomorrow and its needs I do not pray. Keep me my God just for today.” Of course the primary cancer has still to be verified, but after another biopsy tomorrow that question will hopefully have been dealt with.

Today’s mass readings speak of coming to the light, which for believers is God, the source of all light. And if we look closely enough we can see this light all around us, in inspiring, caring people, in goodness, in the environment and certainly for me, in radiotherapy using beams of light to eliminate destructive cells. A day of enlightenment for me. A signpost leading me forwards.

“Lead kindly light, lead thou me on.”

Pauline

Sunshine out and sunshine within

Sunshine out at last and sunshine within. We are in the season of Eastertide and though the ground is wet and soggy, the natural world is showing signs of renewal and regrowth.

IH-sunshine-ahead

With these natural elements comes positivity and action in my treatment, which reinforce my mood. I have a biopsy on Friday to obtain some useful pathology hopefully, and next week I have targeted stereotactic radiotherapy on the brain mets, which, though a little scary, is good news since it is a far less invasive treatment.

I’m very fortunate in that I feel fit and well (if sometimes fatigued) which I put down to meds and my level of unfitness! I know that I’m being supported by many prayers and good wishes and I thank you all.

“As this day unfolds may we recognise in the seemingly routine and ordinary, the presence of Jesus, risen and alive among us”.

How blessed am I

A catalogue of birthdays to celebrate in my family today from the youngest to the oldest, to those who have gone before us.

All around us are reasons to be grateful and optimistic. When out for a short walk yesterday, there were signs of new growth in the shrubbery as well as the spring flowers cheerfully colouring the woodland floor. Spring has sprung!

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I’ve enjoyed a feeling of real calm over the last week even though there have been hospital visits for PET and MRI scans. What a wonderful blessing the NHS and its employees are. What positivity, skill and compassion they show.

And prayer. The amount of prayer offered on my behalf has lifted and supported me on “eagle’s wings”. Thank you!

And now we’re in Holy Week, a most sacred week for Christians the world over. A hope-filled time preceded by trial and sadness. But joy wins out in the end.

I don’t know what the visit to the oncologist tomorrow will tell us, but I will go feeling well and hopefully deal with the news with courage and optimism, remembering that there are thousands and thousands of others who carry their troubles alone. How blessed am I.

Pauline
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“Make the most of what you’ve got and don’t worry about what you haven’t”

“Make the most of what you’ve got and don’t worry about what you haven’t.” A comment that’s just echoed on the radio at the end of the Paralympic Games.

This was preceded by news of advances in the treatment of MS in the health service and the plight of the people in forgotten Yemen. What a crazy, upside down world we live in! A seesaw of hope and suffering, of courage and fear, of resilience and despair.

The human spirit – how empowering that is if we harness it. And those who love us fuel this strength. I have many of them supporting me.

Emmanuel. God is with us if we choose to look. I kind of lost Lent when given my diagnosis, though perhaps I did indeed find it in a new way. Now I must find my Easter and Risen Lord.

Pauline
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I’m slowly sinking

Even more snow. Beautiful though it can look I’m already feeling overwhelmed at the moment, as though I’m slowly sinking and am about to suffocate.

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Positivity has deserted me and depression is settling in. I am intelligent enough to know it could be new meds with side effects but knowing that isn’t helpful. I just want it all to go away. I want someone to take any decisions away from me. I can’t handle the truth at the moment.

Feeling physically well and being told you have an incurable illness just don’t jigsaw together. My mind is going way ahead of me at the moment. I am not living in the now. I have neglected prayer and meditation these last few days which could have made a difference.

“Lord for tomorrow and its needs I do not pray. Keep me from depression Lord, just for today.”

I’m not feeling depressed or bleak

St Patrick’s day today, always a special day for my Irish college pal Esther back in the day. She faced cancer with great courage and faith so I know she’s rooting for those suffering with it now.

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Although it’s a cold bleak morning I’m not feeling depressed or bleak. Ironically I feel good physically. Meds are obviously helping.

MRI scan on Tuesday to look at brain and goings on there. I think it’s fair to say that what they find will be crucial so I anticipate getting more nervous as the day approaches. But there I go again not living in the moment.

I’ll enjoy my first cup of tea today and recent photos/videos of my delightful grandchildren. I’ll be grateful for a warm and quiet environment where I can enjoy doing what I feel like when I feel like it. Not sure though! I must not become self-centred.

St Patrick pray for us.

Pauline

Living with cancer

The visit to see the oncologist came round yesterday and meeting Dr Winter for the first time was a strengthening experience. I was impressed by his manner and his approach. He was purposeful, efficient without being insensitive, delivered the facts as he and the MDT assess them, and put a plan into action immediately.

Matt Winter & Jim Lester — On the right, ‘wonderful’ Dr Matt Winter

There are still unanswered questions so many more diagnostic tests, MRI scans etc to be done but we are now engaging with the cancer in order to slow it down, perhaps even halt its growth. It cannot be cured but plans are afoot to work against it escalating.

It’s hard to explain but yesterday I felt I was dying with cancer. Last night, after the meeting, something seismic changed within me. I had become Pauline Bristowe, a person LIVING with cancer. It makes all the difference to your head space! I had a good six hours sleep and feel ready for my hair appointment.

I am under no illusion that the next few months are going to be tough. But what a powerhouse of beautiful people I have backing me.

It’s my responsibility to be positive, to show some guts, to apply my trust to God working through skilled medics, to continue my journey, short or long, over rough terrain just as millions of people are doing all over the world.

“Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy strengthen me and fellow travellers.”

Pauline

Looking for solace and hope

Today has been a more measured day than I imagined. The sun came out as we went in search of plants for the “Golden Garden” and enjoyed a brief walk at Anglers Country Park followed by a coffee.

Having made and consumed dinner, I’m now trying to assemble my thoughts for tomorrow’s meeting with the oncologist. What to ask? What do I want? That answer is easy. It’s just a case of figuring out what I can cope with physically and mentally.

Are there any treatment options for my scenario? How devastating might these options be to the person I know I am. I have always been Pauline. Now is not the time for a personality change! On the other hand, I don’t want to say to science: “I don’t trust you,” but rather “Come on. Let’s give this a go! Let’s see if we can work together.”

After the initial diagnosis I was told: “We will keep you as well as we can for as long as we can”. I know the words were well meant, but I took them as a death sentence and cannot get their finality out of my brain. After all, isn’t that what a health service is all about?

And yet, we live with a death sentence from the moment we take our first breath. Some of us deal with this better than others. I’m not doing as well as I would have wished.

I hope I’m not giving my family a heavy burden by taking them to the appointment tomorrow. I’ve asked them to come with me to help me see my way through this maelstrom, this fog. I need others to ask questions I haven’t thought about or didn’t want an answer to. How selfish is that? Another big day tomorrow then, but I’m sure there’ll be another.

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I’m looking for solace. I’m looking for positivity. I’m looking for inspiration. I’m looking for acceptance. I’m looking for hope.

I shall seek out something green to wear tomorrow. I shall try to imitate the zest for life that baby Alexander is displaying at the moment. My great nephew, 25 weeks premature, in neonatal intensive care needs Pauline’s Prayer Posse behind him and his Mum and Dad just as much as I do. Help me to link up to all that courage, that spirit that’s out there both in our world and beyond.

Christ, be thou my vision.
Our Lady of Wisdom, pray for us.
St Nicholas, pray for us.
St. Winifred, pray for us.
St. Francis, pray for us.
All you angels and saints, pray for us.