Dealing with potholes

Another beautiful day again today and the wind had dropped – but so has my mood!

I’ve had a buoyant few weeks of positivity, but woke up early today with dark thoughts.

The visit to the hospital on Wednesday was long but not troublesome – just waiting for blood results, calcium results, meds from pharmacy etc.

Thank goodness the service is there for me to access. I’ve had one cycle of this new drug and seem to have tolerated it quite well, though my white blood cell count dipped very low. I’m hoping that it picked up again before I began a new cycle.

What is daunting is that this is my life now for as long as. There are some very strong people out there dealing with tough situations who put me to shame. I wonder how they deal with their ‘pot holes’?

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Perhaps when approaching they see them and swerve or side step to avoid them. I need to find a new tactic so I don’t allow myself to hit them.

Distraction until I have passed it is a possibility. Acceptance that potholes are there so move carefully is another. Take the bump and move on is yet another.

It won’t be long before another MRI scan is taken to see what’s happening in my brain. This has been on my mind a lot recently, so perhaps that’s the pothole. I cannot avoid it so I must approach it but do so with caution and hope.

Now I will “look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?” Take heed of Matthew’s Gospel, Pauline! Trust and hope! 💚

What I’ve learned on my cancer journey so far

25 May is a day to remember for the family today. It would have been Tony, my brother’s, 76th birthday, but he died in December. However it’s an opportunity to celebrate his life and all the love he brought with him.

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Another reason to celebrate life is Baby Ally, my great nephew, born prematurely at 24 weeks. Weighing just over one and half pounds at birth, he is going home from hospital today now weighing almost five pounds.

He is 24+13 weeks in hospital speak! A strong baby who has benefited from wonderful care by the NHS and amazing devotion from his parents. It’s not been an easy time for them, but they’ve found strength in one another and their families.

I too have a reason to celebrate the NHS. Not only have I benefited from Gamma Knife treatment, I’ve now been given a new drug only recently on the market, which has shown in trials to be effective, but is expensive.

If it suits me, the oncologist says it could, in combination with other meds I’m taking, control the cancer for a possible two years. I feel so blessed and thankful for our health system! We as a nation need to protect it.

Almost 13 weeks on from my first blog post, I want to express my belief in prayer, my gratitude to medics of all disciplines, and the spiritual, physical and moral support of my family and friends.

At the moment I feel tired but otherwise well. What have I learned so far from my ‘cancer journey’?

That most terrains go up and down with some plateaus
That it’s ok to feel scared, but not to give in to fear
That you meet many amazing people on the way
That there is goodness in most people if you look closely enough
That suffering and joy are not mine alone, because we are all human

I’ll make today my ‘P’ day

I haven’t felt the need to write for a while, but I’m hitting a low point at the moment.

I am losing the ‘p’ in positivity even though the weather is glorious and should give me a boost.

I seem to be picking up everyday complaints since coming off steroids – chest infection, headaches, stomach upsets etc which normally my body would deal with no problem. And at that point I will change tack!

I will think of all the good things I can beginning with the letter P. Perseverance, politeness, purposeful, precious people, plentiful, pleasing, picturesque, peaceful.

Since Easter the scriptural readings have included meetings the apostles and others have had with the risen Christ. Many of these have been while making journeys. Very often Christ wasn’t recognised until the moment had passed.

Did they lack positivity like me or were they too engrossed in their circumstances to notice – again like me? I must continually look for Christ on my journey.

Which brings me to a final word beginning with P…Paraclete… Spirit.

“Come Holy Spirit! Fill me with purpose, confidence, courage to accept your plan for me, whatever it is. Stop me being a wimp.

Ensure that I keep seeing Christ on my journey. Let me remember that he is in others; those who care for and help and offer me encouragement and support. My lacking positivity saddens and insults them.

I will make today a P day!
“Paraclete..Fill the hearts of your faithful; enkindle them in your love”.

P for Pauline

“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forwards”

I’m not nor ever have been a farmer. A cat and currently a carer for my grandson’s tortoise is as far as my husbandry skills extend. However, it’s lambing time and if we venture a short journey out of the suburbs, we soon see ewes and lambs enjoying a natural, close relationship in the fields and meadows. All this under the watchful and experienced eye of the farmer.

In yesterday’s gospel, Jesus tells us that he is the good Shepherd who cares for his sheep. Like the ewes in the meadows protectively watching their lambs, Christ has an all-seeing eye on us. He is committed to our care, to our well being. He knows the dangers that face us, he knows the safe routes and will show us the way through.

All of us face tricky situations sometimes in our lives – some seemingly more than others. Perhaps what will make us stronger is to assume the role of the shepherd rather than the sheep, so that we support the worried, the sick, the neglected, the lonely. We can listen to and support them, we can fight their corner. We can stand for justice.

“When a blind man carries a lame man, both go forwards.” (Swedish proverb)

Let the sun shine in

A beautiful April day yesterday, the warmest on record since the 1940s apparently. Also, my Mum’s birthday and yesterday was my Dad’s. I have always felt close to my parents both when living and dead, but I have felt their presence more in recent weeks.

This “cancer journey” has been a busy one over the last ten days but is now settling. Family will be getting tired of me complaining of fatigue, but I have really felt drained.

Then, in Weston Park hospital on Wednesday was a large poster illustrating the fact that apparently 90% of patients feel fatigue because of many reasons, so now I can doze during the day with a clear conscience!

I have now started monthly injections into abdomen to combat bone lesions but the oncologist thinks these are not significant. Hopefully he is just covering all the bases.

Still awaiting biopsy results, but they should be here soon, ensuring that cancer is targeted by the correct treatment – much of which has already begun. I have every faith in Dr Winter. All in all, Wednesday’s appointment was positive. I just need to build up my fitness levels to make sure I can face any challenges that might lie ahead.

So, a look around for projects to do and people and places to visit this summer to make sure I use time positively. It’s so easy to take time for granted and therefore waste it. Every day feeling well and shared with those we love is a bonus. I am indeed grateful. So “Let the sun shine in”.

A day of enlightenment

26 February seems light years away and yet it isn’t seven weeks since. How much has happened in this short space of time and what a learning curve I have been and am still on.

Yesterday was a privileged day for me and my family. I went to Thornbury hospital, working with NHS, for Gamma Knife treatment which specifically targets brain tumours leaving healthy brain tissue intact.

What amazing technology and even more important to my mind, what amazing people delivering it. My team was headed by Mr Rowe. A quiet, gentle, very clever man but also compassionate and empathetic. He was working with another neurosurgeon and radiologists and was extremely positive at the end of my treatment programme.

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This was the part of the plan I was most nervous about and yet it became an uplifting experience. Positivity was the word of the day. “Lord for tomorrow and its needs I do not pray. Keep me my God just for today.” Of course the primary cancer has still to be verified, but after another biopsy tomorrow that question will hopefully have been dealt with.

Today’s mass readings speak of coming to the light, which for believers is God, the source of all light. And if we look closely enough we can see this light all around us, in inspiring, caring people, in goodness, in the environment and certainly for me, in radiotherapy using beams of light to eliminate destructive cells. A day of enlightenment for me. A signpost leading me forwards.

“Lead kindly light, lead thou me on.”

Pauline

Sunshine out and sunshine within

Sunshine out at last and sunshine within. We are in the season of Eastertide and though the ground is wet and soggy, the natural world is showing signs of renewal and regrowth.

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With these natural elements comes positivity and action in my treatment, which reinforce my mood. I have a biopsy on Friday to obtain some useful pathology hopefully, and next week I have targeted stereotactic radiotherapy on the brain mets, which, though a little scary, is good news since it is a far less invasive treatment.

I’m very fortunate in that I feel fit and well (if sometimes fatigued) which I put down to meds and my level of unfitness! I know that I’m being supported by many prayers and good wishes and I thank you all.

“As this day unfolds may we recognise in the seemingly routine and ordinary, the presence of Jesus, risen and alive among us”.

The good things in my life in two minutes

Good Friday today so I’ve decided to list as many good things in my life as I can within two minutes.

A loving family who care for me and one another, countless friends – many I have known for more than 60 years. Good health since birth backed up by a wondrous health service. A lifetime of peace earned for us by courageous men and women. A vocation I loved that also allowed me to earn a good living and provides for me still. A faith I am freely allowed to pursue. Opportunities to follow any dream I wish.

My two minutes are up but my list could go on and on.

Even after an encouraging visit to the oncologist on Wednesday, I felt a little down yesterday. Not unwell, just a little less positive than the few days before, yet there was no reason for this. Still waiting for a biopsy, and the brain team to make decisions, but both should be sorted next week.

We met another amazing nurse last week at the hospital who was so warm and uplifting. She expressed her belief in the power of positive thinking and she has been serving cancer patients her whole career and described it as a vocation. We do not hear enough of these good news stories and such marvellous people.

Good-Friday

And so to Good Friday and Christ’s ultimate gift of love for us, his death on the cross.

You have shown us, Lord, how to give and not count the cost. Be with all those who suffer today wherever and whoever they are. Fill us with courage and strength. Remind us to be constantly grateful for all the good things we have.

How blessed am I

A catalogue of birthdays to celebrate in my family today from the youngest to the oldest, to those who have gone before us.

All around us are reasons to be grateful and optimistic. When out for a short walk yesterday, there were signs of new growth in the shrubbery as well as the spring flowers cheerfully colouring the woodland floor. Spring has sprung!

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I’ve enjoyed a feeling of real calm over the last week even though there have been hospital visits for PET and MRI scans. What a wonderful blessing the NHS and its employees are. What positivity, skill and compassion they show.

And prayer. The amount of prayer offered on my behalf has lifted and supported me on “eagle’s wings”. Thank you!

And now we’re in Holy Week, a most sacred week for Christians the world over. A hope-filled time preceded by trial and sadness. But joy wins out in the end.

I don’t know what the visit to the oncologist tomorrow will tell us, but I will go feeling well and hopefully deal with the news with courage and optimism, remembering that there are thousands and thousands of others who carry their troubles alone. How blessed am I.

Pauline
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“Make the most of what you’ve got and don’t worry about what you haven’t”

“Make the most of what you’ve got and don’t worry about what you haven’t.” A comment that’s just echoed on the radio at the end of the Paralympic Games.

This was preceded by news of advances in the treatment of MS in the health service and the plight of the people in forgotten Yemen. What a crazy, upside down world we live in! A seesaw of hope and suffering, of courage and fear, of resilience and despair.

The human spirit – how empowering that is if we harness it. And those who love us fuel this strength. I have many of them supporting me.

Emmanuel. God is with us if we choose to look. I kind of lost Lent when given my diagnosis, though perhaps I did indeed find it in a new way. Now I must find my Easter and Risen Lord.

Pauline
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