You’ll never walk alone

I was reminded this morning that it was 2 years ago since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer.

If I’m honest I did not then expect to be here 2 years on. I was full of foreboding and negative fears. In truth I had no real understanding of the disease. I’m still unaware of many aspects of it and place my trust in the professionals.

Some might say this is unwise but it’s how I cope with the situation. It isn’t that I’m burying my head in the sand. I just deal with as much as I can and carry on as normal. Yesterday I made marmalade, which didn’t set, so today I have to boil it up again!
It’s such mundane tasks that stop me speculating about what the future holds.

No one is immune from suffering

In 2 weeks I have a brain MRI scan again to check on any cancer growth. Like many others in a similar situation I get nervous 😟 as the time approaches. The rational part of me says it has to be done and just get on with it. Face whatever has to be faced.

I find thinking of others in worse situations helps, and remind myself of their courage. The recent video of the father in Syria teaching his little daughter to laugh when a bomb is dropped is just one example.

No one is immune from suffering. Some deal with it better than others. We need to remember to be there for one another when necessary.

98426a42-593d-4a46-b188-efb59a2ae85f — Xav’s 18th birthday. My first grandchild

We need to adopt Liverpool FC’s anthem. “You’ll never walk alone!” I have my family, my friends and my faith. I hope that others are as well supported.

Look out today for someone who needs a friend or listening ear. Be there for them.

Pauline

A year since I was diagnosed

A year ago today, 27 February 2018, in A&E I was told I had brain tumours and that they were secondaries.

As my first blog post said I didn’t want to speak about it. This was partly a result of shock but also my non acceptance of the situation.

12 months have passed. 4 full body scans, 4 brain scans, 2 lots of brain radiotherapy, 11 abdominal injections and 11 months of oral chemotherapy and I am still struggling to completely accept that I have incurable cancer.

Today even at my appointment I asked why it was incurable though I knew the answer. I was hoping for a contradiction.

I should be thankful that a year has passed and I have been able to carry on as normal. I keep reminding myself that there are hundreds of thousands of people who live with other incurable illnesses including family members, but they don’t wallow in their situation. They adapt to it and get on with life.

I have been saying the Serenity Prayer repeatedly to remind myself that acceptance together with courage and determination are the better part.

Once again I thank you all for your healing prayers and thoughts. They will I am sure keep me strong and resolute. Here’s to another positive year!

Pauline

I will keep hope safe

These jottings of mine always seem to appear at a ‘crisis’ time and here I go again.

Tomorrow is scan day for both brain and body. It doesn’t seem three months ago since my last scans which showed quite positive results. Even so I’m still nervous imagining anything and everything.

I listened to Melvyn Bragg this morning as he discussed ‘hope’ with his academic guests. Not all philosophers believe that the concept of hope is a good thing, a productive idea.

Having been raised as a Christian I believe that hope is one of the important tenets of my faith. Aristotle believed that: “Hope is the dream of the waking man”.

Not particularly helpful to me. I need it to be more than that. Just now I hope that modern medicine and professional expertise are working together to keep me well for a while longer, but I have to be realistic enough to know that this might not be the case.

And here is where family and friends come in who believe in prayer. Please pray the Serenity prayer for me when you have a minute.

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When I have news at the beginning of December I shall post again. Until then I will keep hope safe.

Pauline

Rooted and grounded in love

It’s been a while since I posted but thankfully life has been been rather mundane and normal lately.

I’m managing treatments quite well and will have a three monthly CT scan late November and an MRI brain scan early December. I feel well, just tired some days but I’m not grumbling.

I was spurred on to post today by something that moved me as I was reading and meditating.

This quotation from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians really struck a chord.

“That you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Eph 3

Being diagnosed with an incurable illness is in many ways like dealing with grief of the death of a loved one.

We go through similar stages as in grief – disbelief, shock, anger, denial, resentment until finally we accept and, though sad, we find peace.

Because we are grounded and rooted in love. Not only in the love of Christ, but also that of our family and friends, we find strength and peace to deal with the difficult situation.

God is always with us protecting, supporting, guarding and guiding.

So next time we meet and I seem morose and full of self pity, give me a nudge in the direction of this quotation.

Six months on

Just over six months have passed since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It’s been a time of self learning and assessment.

To be honest I wasn’t always sure I would make it to this point even though the medics were of a different opinion.

One thing that was made clear recently is that I can’t be ‘cured’. Like the contents of Pandora’s box, once opened/released, cancerous cells will travel wherever in the body. I’m only just getting my head round this fact.

However, the excellent treatment I’m being given is extending my life. It’s up to me to embrace this and use my time productively.

I’ve always been a last minute kind of girl and work better with a deadline looming. Should I now be more structured and timetable each day to get the most out of it?

Or should I just allow myself to be free to do whatever the moment suggests and enjoy it and those I come into contact with?

The adage “you can’t change the habits of a lifetime” comes to mind.

Yesterday I was positive and full of possibilities. I felt the gentle hand of God calming me, bringing me peace.

Today, the doubts and fears are edging in again. Help me, Lord, to draw from you courage and tranquility, hope and acceptance. Teach me to embrace only positive vibes.

Help me to remember my good fortune.

“Hear the voice of my pleading as I cry for help,
as I lift up my hands in prayer to your holy place.” (Psalm 27)

I feel lucky

bristowe family2 I must have some powerful, prayerful friends and family out there working overtime.

Today was my appointment with the oncologist. Though I didn’t expect it the CT scan results were back and were good news.

They showed that the cancer in the omentum had shrunk, the bone density in my spine had increased, and the MRI scan from last week’s radio surgery showed that all current brain lesions had disappeared or just left scarring.

To be told I was stable would have been a plus, but to be told that the cancer had shrunk was terrific!

I feel blessed. I feel lucky-lucky to have such a strong, knowledgeable team of NHS people fighting my corner, lucky to have been blessed with good health all my life which has made me strong, lucky to have so many wonderful people praying for me every day, interceding with God. Definitely a “sunshiny day”.

I know that I’m still only at the beginning of my ‘cancer journey’, but some pot holes have been negotiated. Some have even been filled in.

I will do my best to keep strong and optimistic. I will try not to look too far ahead. I will hopefully get better at living with cancer without allowing it to dominate my life.

Blessings to all those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. May their friends and family carry and support them as mine are supporting me.

Thank you 🙏

Another marker met

Yesterday I went with Max and my sisters on a pilgrimage of sorts to Our Lady’s Chapel in Osmotherley.

I felt I needed a spiritual boost and the destination proved to be the perfect answer. Wonderful scenery, atmosphere and fellow travellers! The day proved to be spiritually and mentally uplifting and therefore successful. I was made more ready for my event of the week.

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I’ve been engrossed like many in the European Games coming from Glasgow and Berlin. They’ve helped distract me from my preoccupation with cancer and its demands.

Last week was a full body CT scan – the results of which I’m still waiting for. Monday it was a meeting with a neurosurgeon about gamma knife. Today it was treatment for the new lesion found in the cerebellum.

Happily it was small and needed only 20 minutes of radiation at full dosage. The MRI scan also showed that previous lesions had either disappeared or left only scarring after previous treatment in April. Result! Target met!

So it’s forward with positivity and resolve but not getting too carried away. Thanks to all for continued prayers and good wishes. I know I’m blessed to have so many who care for me.

God bless you and your families.

The power of light

The sun, earth’s provider of light and heat, has been shining for us in England and over the rest of Europe for weeks now.

Its laser-like rays cut through the atmosphere relentlessly and can be a curse as well as a blessing. These shafts of light, straight and sure like arrows, make me think of radiotherapy and gamma knife technology – precise, unswerving, directed.

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I was told some news yesterday about my brain mets treated in April. Mixed news – some good, some bad. Those mets targeted have shrunk but a new small area has appeared.

Fortunately, I’m a suitable candidate to have the surgery again which will take place next week.

Needless to say I’m nervous. I would even say scared. I re-read my blog post which I wrote just after the surgery where I described it as an enlightening experience.

I hadn’t known what to expect and so approached it differently. I was blissfully unaware I suppose, so I was relaxed. Somehow, I have to get to that place again. The support and prayers of my family and many friends are helping me so much. It does take a lot of energy being continually positive.

May the physicist, consultant and radiologists be guided in their work by the sure and healing hand of God. And may my trust in my Creator be strengthened so that I face the future with courage.