Category: Prayer

May hope lighten any darkness in 2019

My eldest daughter, Ruth, has just shared a message with family speaking of hope.

She shared the following quotation: “Hope is being able to see that there is light in spite of all the darkness”.

In the Christmas readings from Isaiah we hear that “a light has come”.

I have just re-read the blog post I wrote on 7 March entitled ‘Green Day‘ in which I described how green became my dead son’s favourite colour at Christmas 1975.

A good friend spoke of him only last week as she brought flowers for his grave, something she has done every year at Christmas since he died more than 40 years ago.

She recalled what a great story teller he was even at 6 years old. We all remember the rat that ran across the garden dressed in a green coat! Such memories and loving actions are what provide the light in difficult times and fill us with hope. And there have been many such.

Since the beginning of March when I was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer and plunged into darkness,  many lights have shone in my direction and that of my family to give us direction and support.

Prayers have been offered for me at shrines and holy places all around Europe and Great Britain. These have motivated, comforted and strengthened not only me but also my family.

That hope, gifted to us by the coming of the Christ Child, is there for us all. I really did not think I would see another Christmas last Spring. I could ask whether I will see another but I will not. I will try to live in hope and grateful thanks each day.

May you all enjoy a happy and healthy New Year with your families and friends and feel as blessed as I do. May hope lighten any darkness that falls in 2019.

A happy and hope-filled New Year to you!

Better than I dared to dream

In today’s mass reading taken from Isaiah it says: “the Lord is the one in whom we hoped.” For me that has indeed been true over these last few months.

I hoped and prayed that the Lord would work healing through the professionals who’ve been treating me.

Today I saw the oncologist who had the results of my recent scans. They were better than I had dared to dream.

1

The body scan states that what disease was there has now gone and nothing new has appeared. The conclusion is the only remaining disease is in the bones. This has always been described as ‘insignificant’.

The brain scan states there is further evidence of treatment response and no apparent new lesions.

I can’t quite believe it and it may take a while to absorb this good news. Treatment continues with daily oral chemotherapy and an injection monthly but I’m coping well with the regime and its side effects.

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. I do appreciate how much these have helped me.  I hope you all enjoy a hope filled Christmas with your loved ones.

Blessings to you all and a happy Christmas.

Pauline

I will keep hope safe

These jottings of mine always seem to appear at a ‘crisis’ time and here I go again.

Tomorrow is scan day for both brain and body. It doesn’t seem three months ago since my last scans which showed quite positive results. Even so I’m still nervous imagining anything and everything.

I listened to Melvyn Bragg this morning as he discussed ‘hope’ with his academic guests. Not all philosophers believe that the concept of hope is a good thing, a productive idea.

Having been raised as a Christian I believe that hope is one of the important tenets of my faith. Aristotle believed that: “Hope is the dream of the waking man”.

Not particularly helpful to me. I need it to be more than that. Just now I hope that modern medicine and professional expertise are working together to keep me well for a while longer, but I have to be realistic enough to know that this might not be the case.

And here is where family and friends come in who believe in prayer. Please pray the Serenity prayer for me when you have a minute.

61XbLOvyP5L._SX425_

 

When I have news at the beginning of December I shall post again. Until then I will keep hope safe.

Pauline

Rooted and grounded in love

It’s been a while since I posted but thankfully life has been been rather mundane and normal lately.

I’m managing treatments quite well and will have a three monthly CT scan late November and an MRI brain scan early December. I feel well, just tired some days but I’m not grumbling.

I was spurred on to post today by something that moved me as I was reading and meditating.

This quotation from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians really struck a chord.

“That you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”  Eph 3

Being diagnosed with an incurable illness is in many ways like dealing with grief of the death of a loved one.

We go through similar stages as in grief – disbelief, shock, anger, denial, resentment until finally we accept and, though sad, we find peace.

Because we are grounded and rooted in love. Not only in the love of Christ, but also that of our family and friends, we find strength and peace to deal with the difficult situation.

God is always with us protecting, supporting, guarding and guiding.

So next time we meet and I seem morose and full of self pity, give me a nudge in the direction of this quotation.

Six months on

Just over six months have passed since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It’s been a time of self learning and assessment.

To be honest I wasn’t always sure I would make it to this point even though the medics were of a different opinion.

One thing that was made clear recently is that I can’t be ‘cured’.  Like the contents of Pandora’s box, once opened/released, cancerous cells will travel wherever in the body. I’m only just getting my head round this fact.

However, the excellent treatment I’m being given is extending my life. It’s up to me to embrace this and use my time productively.

I’ve always been a last minute kind of girl and work better with a deadline looming. Should I now be more structured and timetable each day to get the most out of it?

Or should I just allow myself to be free to do whatever the moment suggests and enjoy it and those I come into contact with?

The adage “you can’t change the habits of a lifetime” comes to mind.

IMG_1240

Yesterday I was positive and full of possibilities. I felt the gentle hand of God calming me, bringing me peace.

Today, the doubts and fears are edging in again. Help me, Lord, to draw from you courage and tranquility, hope and acceptance. Teach me to embrace only positive vibes.

Help me to remember my good fortune.

“Hear the voice of my pleading as I cry for help,
as I lift up my hands in prayer to your holy place.” (Psalm 27)

Another marker met

Yesterday I went with Max and my sisters on a pilgrimage of sorts to Our Lady’s Chapel in Osmotherley.

I felt I needed a spiritual boost and the destination proved to be the perfect answer. Wonderful scenery, atmosphere and fellow travellers! The day proved to be spiritually and mentally uplifting and therefore successful. I was made more ready for my event of the week.

Screen-Shot-2018-08-09-at-20.41.59

I’ve been engrossed like many in the European Games coming from Glasgow and Berlin. They’ve helped distract me from my preoccupation with cancer and its demands.

Last week was a full body CT scan – the results of which I’m still waiting for. Monday it was a meeting with a neurosurgeon about gamma knife. Today it was treatment for the new lesion found in the cerebellum.

Happily it was small and needed only 20 minutes of radiation at full dosage. The MRI scan also showed that previous lesions had either disappeared or left only scarring after previous treatment in April. Result! Target met!

So it’s forward with positivity and resolve but not getting too carried away. Thanks to all for continued prayers and good wishes. I know I’m blessed to have so many who care for me.

God bless you and your families.

The power of light

The sun, earth’s provider of light and heat, has been shining for us in England and over the rest of Europe for weeks now.

Its laser-like rays cut through the atmosphere relentlessly and can be a curse as well as a blessing. These shafts of light, straight and sure like arrows, make me think of radiotherapy and gamma knife technology – precise, unswerving, directed.

1356_3

I was told some news yesterday about my brain mets treated in April. Mixed news –  some good, some bad. Those mets targeted have shrunk but a new small area has appeared.

Fortunately,  I’m a suitable candidate to have the surgery again which will take place next week.

Needless to say I’m nervous. I would even say scared. I re-read my blog post which I wrote just after the surgery where I described it as an enlightening experience.

I hadn’t known what to expect and so approached it differently. I was blissfully unaware I suppose, so I was relaxed. Somehow, I have to get to that place again. The support and prayers of my family and many friends are helping me so much. It does take a lot of energy being continually positive.

May the physicist, consultant and radiologists be guided in their work by the sure and healing hand of God. And may my trust in my Creator be strengthened so that I face the future with courage.

 

Blackcurrant jam or Pauline

Which will last the longest?

I’ve just made a batch of jam using allotment blackcurrants and, my mood being what it is at the moment, as I was bottling it I got to wondering which of the two had the longest shelf life! Me or the jam?

jam

I feel reasonably well though I’m on my third round of antibiotics in as many months. I can’t seem to shake this cough, but my immune system is compromised by oral chemotherapy at the moment.

I’m also awaiting results of a brain scan I had recently and have to have a body scan next week. I have to learn not to put my life on hold while waiting for results. I need to keep busy, do things, go places, see people and not wallow in self pity.

So I would ask anyone reading my words to keep praying for me to be strong, hopeful and courageous as others are.

May optimism and positivity be my motto so that I can look forward to making another batch of blackcurrant jam next summer. I’ve still got some empty jars!

Dealing with potholes

Another beautiful day again today and the wind had dropped – but so has my mood!

I’ve had a buoyant few weeks of positivity, but woke up early today with dark thoughts.

The visit to the hospital on Wednesday was long but not troublesome – just waiting for blood results, calcium results, meds from pharmacy etc.

Thank goodness the service is there for me to access. I’ve had one cycle of this new drug and seem to have tolerated it quite well, though my white blood cell count dipped very low. I’m hoping that it picked up again before I began  a new cycle.

What is daunting is that this is my life now for as long as. There are some very strong people out there dealing with tough situations who put me to shame. I wonder how they deal with their ‘pot holes’?

images

Perhaps when approaching they see them and swerve or side step to avoid them. I need to find a new tactic so I don’t allow myself to hit them.

Distraction until I have passed it is a possibility. Acceptance that potholes are there so move carefully is another. Take the bump and move on is yet another.

It won’t be long before another MRI scan is taken to see what’s happening in my brain. This has been on my mind a lot recently, so perhaps that’s the pothole.  I cannot avoid it so I must approach it  but do so with caution and hope.

Now I will “look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?” Take heed of Matthew’s Gospel, Pauline!  Trust and hope! 💚

What I’ve learned on my cancer journey so far

25 May is a day to remember for the family today. It would have been Tony, my brother’s, 76th birthday, but he died in December. However it’s an opportunity to celebrate his life and all the love he brought with him.

tony

Another reason to celebrate life is Baby Ally, my great nephew, born prematurely at 24 weeks. Weighing just over one and half pounds at birth, he is going home from hospital today now weighing almost five pounds.

He is 24+13 weeks in hospital speak! A strong baby who has benefited from wonderful care by the NHS and amazing devotion from his parents. It’s not been an easy time for them, but they’ve found strength in one another and their families.

I too have a reason to celebrate the NHS. Not only have I benefited from Gamma Knife treatment, I’ve now been given a new drug only recently on the market, which has shown in trials to be effective, but is expensive.

If it suits me, the oncologist says it could, in combination with other meds I’m taking, control the cancer for a possible two years. I feel so blessed and thankful for our health system! We as a nation need to protect it.

Almost 13 weeks on from my first blog post, I want to express my belief in prayer, my gratitude to medics of all disciplines, and the spiritual, physical and moral support of my family and friends.

At the moment I feel tired but otherwise well. What have I learned so far from my ‘cancer journey’?

  • That most terrains go up and down with some plateaus
  • That it’s ok to feel scared, but not to give in to fear
  • That you meet many amazing people on the way
  • That there is goodness in most people if you look closely enough
  • That suffering and joy are not mine alone, because we are all human