May hope lighten any darkness in 2019

My eldest daughter, Ruth, has just shared a message with family speaking of hope.

She shared the following quotation: “Hope is being able to see that there is light in spite of all the darkness”.

In the Christmas readings from Isaiah we hear that “a light has come”.

I have just re-read the blog post I wrote on 7 March entitled ‘Green Day‘ in which I described how green became my dead son’s favourite colour at Christmas 1975.

A good friend spoke of him only last week as she brought flowers for his grave, something she has done every year at Christmas since he died more than 40 years ago.

She recalled what a great story teller he was even at 6 years old. We all remember the rat that ran across the garden dressed in a green coat! Such memories and loving actions are what provide the light in difficult times and fill us with hope. And there have been many such.

Since the beginning of March when I was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer and plunged into darkness,  many lights have shone in my direction and that of my family to give us direction and support.

Prayers have been offered for me at shrines and holy places all around Europe and Great Britain. These have motivated, comforted and strengthened not only me but also my family.

That hope, gifted to us by the coming of the Christ Child, is there for us all. I really did not think I would see another Christmas last Spring. I could ask whether I will see another but I will not. I will try to live in hope and grateful thanks each day.

May you all enjoy a happy and healthy New Year with your families and friends and feel as blessed as I do. May hope lighten any darkness that falls in 2019.

A happy and hope-filled New Year to you!

Better than I dared to dream

In today’s mass reading taken from Isaiah it says: “the Lord is the one in whom we hoped.” For me that has indeed been true over these last few months.

I hoped and prayed that the Lord would work healing through the professionals who’ve been treating me.

Today I saw the oncologist who had the results of my recent scans. They were better than I had dared to dream.

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The body scan states that what disease was there has now gone and nothing new has appeared. The conclusion is the only remaining disease is in the bones. This has always been described as ‘insignificant’.

The brain scan states there is further evidence of treatment response and no apparent new lesions.

I can’t quite believe it and it may take a while to absorb this good news. Treatment continues with daily oral chemotherapy and an injection monthly but I’m coping well with the regime and its side effects.

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. I do appreciate how much these have helped me.  I hope you all enjoy a hope filled Christmas with your loved ones.

Blessings to you all and a happy Christmas.

Pauline

I will keep hope safe

These jottings of mine always seem to appear at a ‘crisis’ time and here I go again.

Tomorrow is scan day for both brain and body. It doesn’t seem three months ago since my last scans which showed quite positive results. Even so I’m still nervous imagining anything and everything.

I listened to Melvyn Bragg this morning as he discussed ‘hope’ with his academic guests. Not all philosophers believe that the concept of hope is a good thing, a productive idea.

Having been raised as a Christian I believe that hope is one of the important tenets of my faith. Aristotle believed that: “Hope is the dream of the waking man”.

Not particularly helpful to me. I need it to be more than that. Just now I hope that modern medicine and professional expertise are working together to keep me well for a while longer, but I have to be realistic enough to know that this might not be the case.

And here is where family and friends come in who believe in prayer. Please pray the Serenity prayer for me when you have a minute.

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When I have news at the beginning of December I shall post again. Until then I will keep hope safe.

Pauline

Rooted and grounded in love

It’s been a while since I posted but thankfully life has been been rather mundane and normal lately.

I’m managing treatments quite well and will have a three monthly CT scan late November and an MRI brain scan early December. I feel well, just tired some days but I’m not grumbling.

I was spurred on to post today by something that moved me as I was reading and meditating.

This quotation from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians really struck a chord.

“That you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”  Eph 3

Being diagnosed with an incurable illness is in many ways like dealing with grief of the death of a loved one.

We go through similar stages as in grief – disbelief, shock, anger, denial, resentment until finally we accept and, though sad, we find peace.

Because we are grounded and rooted in love. Not only in the love of Christ, but also that of our family and friends, we find strength and peace to deal with the difficult situation.

God is always with us protecting, supporting, guarding and guiding.

So next time we meet and I seem morose and full of self pity, give me a nudge in the direction of this quotation.

Six months on

Just over six months have passed since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It’s been a time of self learning and assessment.

To be honest I wasn’t always sure I would make it to this point even though the medics were of a different opinion.

One thing that was made clear recently is that I can’t be ‘cured’.  Like the contents of Pandora’s box, once opened/released, cancerous cells will travel wherever in the body. I’m only just getting my head round this fact.

However, the excellent treatment I’m being given is extending my life. It’s up to me to embrace this and use my time productively.

I’ve always been a last minute kind of girl and work better with a deadline looming. Should I now be more structured and timetable each day to get the most out of it?

Or should I just allow myself to be free to do whatever the moment suggests and enjoy it and those I come into contact with?

The adage “you can’t change the habits of a lifetime” comes to mind.

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Yesterday I was positive and full of possibilities. I felt the gentle hand of God calming me, bringing me peace.

Today, the doubts and fears are edging in again. Help me, Lord, to draw from you courage and tranquility, hope and acceptance. Teach me to embrace only positive vibes.

Help me to remember my good fortune.

“Hear the voice of my pleading as I cry for help,
as I lift up my hands in prayer to your holy place.” (Psalm 27)

I feel lucky

bristowe family2I must have some powerful, prayerful friends and family out there working overtime.

Today was my appointment with the oncologist. Though I didn’t expect it the CT scan results were back and were good news.

They showed that the cancer in the omentum had shrunk, the bone density in my spine had increased, and the MRI scan from last week’s radio surgery showed that all current brain lesions had disappeared or just left scarring.

To be told I was stable would have been a plus, but to be told that the cancer had shrunk was terrific!

I feel blessed. I feel lucky-lucky to have such a strong, knowledgeable team of NHS people fighting my corner, lucky to have been blessed with good health all my life which has made me strong,  lucky to have so many wonderful people praying for me every day, interceding with God. Definitely a “sunshiny day”.

I know that I’m still only at the beginning of my ‘cancer journey’, but some pot holes have been negotiated. Some have even been filled in.

I will do my best to keep strong and optimistic. I will try not to look too far ahead. I will hopefully get better at living with cancer without allowing it to dominate my life.

Blessings to all those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. May their friends and family carry and support them as mine are supporting me.

Thank you 🙏

Another marker met

Yesterday I went with Max and my sisters on a pilgrimage of sorts to Our Lady’s Chapel in Osmotherley.

I felt I needed a spiritual boost and the destination proved to be the perfect answer. Wonderful scenery, atmosphere and fellow travellers! The day proved to be spiritually and mentally uplifting and therefore successful. I was made more ready for my event of the week.

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I’ve been engrossed like many in the European Games coming from Glasgow and Berlin. They’ve helped distract me from my preoccupation with cancer and its demands.

Last week was a full body CT scan – the results of which I’m still waiting for. Monday it was a meeting with a neurosurgeon about gamma knife. Today it was treatment for the new lesion found in the cerebellum.

Happily it was small and needed only 20 minutes of radiation at full dosage. The MRI scan also showed that previous lesions had either disappeared or left only scarring after previous treatment in April. Result! Target met!

So it’s forward with positivity and resolve but not getting too carried away. Thanks to all for continued prayers and good wishes. I know I’m blessed to have so many who care for me.

God bless you and your families.

The power of light

The sun, earth’s provider of light and heat, has been shining for us in England and over the rest of Europe for weeks now.

Its laser-like rays cut through the atmosphere relentlessly and can be a curse as well as a blessing. These shafts of light, straight and sure like arrows, make me think of radiotherapy and gamma knife technology – precise, unswerving, directed.

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I was told some news yesterday about my brain mets treated in April. Mixed news –  some good, some bad. Those mets targeted have shrunk but a new small area has appeared.

Fortunately,  I’m a suitable candidate to have the surgery again which will take place next week.

Needless to say I’m nervous. I would even say scared. I re-read my blog post which I wrote just after the surgery where I described it as an enlightening experience.

I hadn’t known what to expect and so approached it differently. I was blissfully unaware I suppose, so I was relaxed. Somehow, I have to get to that place again. The support and prayers of my family and many friends are helping me so much. It does take a lot of energy being continually positive.

May the physicist, consultant and radiologists be guided in their work by the sure and healing hand of God. And may my trust in my Creator be strengthened so that I face the future with courage.

 

Blackcurrant jam or Pauline

Which will last the longest?

I’ve just made a batch of jam using allotment blackcurrants and, my mood being what it is at the moment, as I was bottling it I got to wondering which of the two had the longest shelf life! Me or the jam?

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I feel reasonably well though I’m on my third round of antibiotics in as many months. I can’t seem to shake this cough, but my immune system is compromised by oral chemotherapy at the moment.

I’m also awaiting results of a brain scan I had recently and have to have a body scan next week. I have to learn not to put my life on hold while waiting for results. I need to keep busy, do things, go places, see people and not wallow in self pity.

So I would ask anyone reading my words to keep praying for me to be strong, hopeful and courageous as others are.

May optimism and positivity be my motto so that I can look forward to making another batch of blackcurrant jam next summer. I’ve still got some empty jars!

I’ve got butterflies

I’m sitting watching the majestic Federer play tennis at Wimbledon. The butterflies are fluttering outside on a beautiful summer’s day and they’re also fluttering inside my stomach at the moment.

The reason? I have an appointment for a head MRI scan on Friday and to be truthful I’m feeling nervous. I feel well apart from a cold and chesty cough.

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Oral Chemo treatment is progressing with few problems and apparently I look well according to public opinion. Still I’m nervous.

It’s been three months since gamma knife treatment so the success of that procedure needs checking as does the growth of any more tumours.  This is what is giving me butterflies!

They were dark days and I don’t want to go back there. However I must deal with whatever I find which takes me back to my first blog post and the poem Invictus.

I have to ‘keep faith’ as they say. I must remain positive and go with how I’m feeling – and that is good.

My family and friends are wonderful – so supportive, so hopeful, looking forward to the future with realism yet optimistically. I have to keep strong for them.

I’ve never  had a bucket list. I’m not organised enough for one but if I were to have one, at the top of my list would be children and grandchildren-related goals. I’m no different from many, many other people. Love for family is all.

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So I write this as King Roger is being tested. He has learned to deal with tricky situations and so must I.

Flutter by Butterfly!