Well apologies to all interested readers. The light has come, the snow is quickly melting, and the kitchen stinks of fish since I decided to make fish cakes for dinner. I’ll have to open windows.
A bit of a melt down in the night sadly. I’m finding the limbo of waiting for news and a treatment plan difficult. So it’s simple household tasks for me today to occupy me. Normality and the serenity prayer.
Blessings to you all good friends.
Pauline
x
Early hours again and I’ve been doing what I said I wouldn’t: googling. Consequently my Green Day has somewhat faded and its edges seem to be curling and shrivelling.
I know that secondary brain mets can’t be cured. What I have to figure out is how much energy and faith I can muster to give this illness a good run for its money. To get my pension pot back I need to be drawing it for 20 years and as yet I haven’t. Perhaps that will motivate me to fight!
The primary cancer source has been located in the breast and this disease area has had some of the most resources and investigations thrown at it. So that gives me confidence of a sort. It’s the secondary source that’s worrying me. Pity they couldn’t be pulled out with tweezers like the hairs in my bristling chin.
Today the Breast team will give me their findings and there could also be news from the Brain team with their options/choices. Some hard decisions coming and I need to know what’s best for me and my family. The song “who wants to live forever” keeps spinning round in my head. We’re all mortal but find acceptance of this fact difficult.
I have to root myself in the moment. I must be grateful for a good healthy life until now, full of love and family. I must not become morbid and self pitying. My future days must be joyous and purposeful.
Show me my God how to do this. Help me to listen wisely to experts, to make good decisions, to have no regrets or resentment, even if I might not get all my pension pot back from the government!
Pauline
x
I’m calling today Green Day! My first day of hope on this new journey. But then it’s not a new journey, it’s the same one – mine – but on a different route. One that I might not enjoy but hey, when the road’s blocked, as we sing in The Bear Hunt song!
I’m waiting for a phone call from the hospital co-ordinator to give me all facts gathered so far. This will be followed by an appointment with the oncologist to get the lowdown on a treatment plan.
Last night I had the best sleep since this all began and have woken with more purpose, more resolve. Certainly with no aches or pains. I’m liking these steroids!
I’ve been remembering Nicky, my son, in his last school Christmas concert. He was in Y1 and his class were singing the rainbow song dressed as a box of coloured pencils. He was a green pencil dressed of course in green. From then until he died six weeks later, green became his favourite colour.
We decided that at his funeral the flower tribute on his coffin would be predominantly green in the shape of the cross with five white flowers placed to represent the wounds of Christ: head, hands, feet and side. Plain, uncluttered but meaningful to me.
And so for me, green took on an even more significant meaning. It is a verdant sign of new life, of renewal, of growth. It is my Nicky’s favourite colour. It is a sign of hope!
I will make the most of this new day!
Pauline
It’s 3am. I think I must have taken the steroids far too late in the day and they have ‘wired’ me. Never been wired by meds before fortunately! Knowing there were things to do, to sort out before treatment starts, I decided to get up and begin a task.
Counting sheep doesn’t work for me, so here I am counting mission money before I resign as treasurer. Piles of copper certainly occupy a space in the brain. I am ashamed to admit that, though I’ve been gladly doing this for 30+ years, I’m not sure I’ve remembered often enough about the poor throughout the world.
Too busy with living, I haven’t considered deeply enough the plight of millions and their daily struggles. I’ve taken too much for granted.
We in our world have an abundance which we’re not always willing to share. I hope that my children and grandchildren consider the lot of others and continue to treat others with generous and loving hearts. They are good people! I know they will.
“To give and not to count the cost”.
Pauline
x
It all seems so surreal. I’ve been sitting chatting all day to family who’ve called to see me and found me feeling really well. Though now a little tired with a few tingles through my scalp I can’t believe the diagnosis is real.
The steroids are really having an effect. My arthritis is no longer painful and I can readily turn over in bed and go up and down stairs smoothly. So some good news!
Sleeping through is a little problematic at the moment. Lying in bed wondering does me no good, so some nocturnal iPad sessions. Perhaps I’ll be Queen of Solitaire eventually and know all the twists and turns of the many soaps I might view!
Waking in the morning very much reminds me of the effects of bereavement. When Nicholas, my son, died suddenly I had the same difficulty with sleeping. No iPad then but, having managed a few hours sleep, I would slowly wake in the morning and for a few refreshing seconds, I believed all was well, ‘back to normal’ so to speak.
Of course this normality didn’t stay. It comes and goes just as it’s doing now.
I learned to deal with one unspeakable tragedy, and with the help of my precious family, I will learn to deal now with this event, which cannot be as bad.
Pray with me and for all those who suffer alone. I am not alone! Many loved ones go before me. Pray for the newly born, fighting to live, and their terrified parents, waiting helplessly and fearfully.
Creator God, care for us. Spirit of God, renew us.
Pauline
x
Good day. Don’t worry! I won’t bombard you with a blog post every day, but I’m having these wide awake moments in the early hours at the moment like many of us do and can’t switch off.
Yesterday I read a monthly email that I receive from an American Servite nun. It speaks of suffering and reminded me that we all suffer during our lives, some much more than others.
Sadly, suffering is part of our humanity, but with life also comes great joy and hope, and that’s what we should all cling to.
I’m including the prayer for you to read or not. I found it appropriate and useful.
A Psalm of Compassion (based on Psalm 23)
Caring Shepherd and Guide of my Soul,
many things I want—for self and others:
freedom from worry, healing from hurts,
financial security, health of body and spirit,
sturdy relationships, lasting happiness,
an end of needless suffering and sorrow,
a peaceful planet where everything thrives.You assure me that I do not have to want;
you will lead me to an inner core of peace
and guide me to ways that restore my spirit.
Suffering will serve as a profound teacher,
a catalyst of empathy and understanding
that unites all who sit at the table of life.You bid me come to you, to release my fears
and allow you to anoint my worries with trust,
to let you lead me to your resting place
where I can listen to your calm, assuring voice.No matter how dark the valley of tears,
no matter how unending the turbulence,
you are there with your embracing love.
You are forever a reliant, caring presence.You breathe your strength into my weakness.
You promise to be a peaceful haven.
You are the home where I can always dwell
in your abiding goodness and compassion.(Prayers of Boundless Compassion, Joyce Rupp)
“Your cancer journey begins here” were among the first words quietly spoken by a gentle A&E consultant. A thunderbolt out of the blue, totally unexpected as thousands before me can attest.
Secondary tumours are showing in three areas of my brain. I’ve decided to call them uninvited and unwelcome guests. The primary source has not yet been found since all facts gathered have yet to be correlated.
Until this has happened I must patiently wait. I agree with others who’ve said the waiting is the difficult part.
I decided to do a blog with the support of my wonderfully talented writer – daughter. This is to keep me on track and save repetition of facts and news to anyone interested.
I am lucky, extremely so, to be surrounded by a large loving family including my soul mate husband of 50 years with whom I share five brilliant children, their spouses and seven gorgeous grandchildren plus siblings and their families. More introductions of my family in the future since they will all play a role in my management of this illness.
I think about the poem Invictus and the line: “I am the captain of my soul…” How can I complain about today’s news? But, human nature being what it is, I am sure I will do as the ‘journey’ continues.
I am a person of faith, who follows the Catholic Christian tradition, and I’m a great believer in the power of prayer as a healer and calmer.
So if you are my family or friend, please pray for me. Join Pauline’s Prayer Posse and offer prayers not just for me but for all those I meet on my journey, whether they be other patients or health professionals working their socks off for us all.
Momma B's blog of hope 